--> Getting It Right: Saving the Rare and Vanishing American Liberal

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Saving the Rare and Vanishing American Liberal

(A friend forwarded this to me - I have no idea of authorship)

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The unflinching arrogance of the Bush Administration is prompting the exodus among liberal citizens, who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted, and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and
some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. I didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay."

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border, and leave them to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,"an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload withouta drop of drinking water. They did have a pleasant little Napa cabernet,though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing reeducation camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

Liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen
passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."

8 Comments:

At 10:30 AM, Blogger Brian Lemon said...

An oldie but a goodie
This one came out just after the 2004 election.

 
At 10:34 AM, Blogger Erin Airton said...

Thanks Brian - I wasn't sure where it came from. It's still funny, though!

E

 
At 1:19 PM, Blogger Bernie said...

The annoying thing
about using the word "liberal"
and the word "conservative"
is that they have no real meaning,
or solid definition.

I guess you could say that
liberals tend to
advocate State coercion
in economic matters but
want freedom from The State
in social matters.

Conservatives advocate State coercion
in social matters but want
freedom freedom from The State
in economic matters.

However, libertarians,
are for freedom PERIOD.
Freedom in economic matters
and freedom in social matters.
In other words, go ahead
and smoke pot in the privacy
of your own home, and go start that
business without a State license.

Conservatives want security
paid for by The State.
Liberals want health care paid for by The State.
Libertarians say go pay for
both yourself through
voluntary, decentralised organisations.

Signed:
Bird-brain Bernie

 
At 4:13 PM, Blogger Duke said...

You are too funny.

Best,

Duke

 
At 10:37 AM, Blogger Bernie said...

Thanks Duke,
Here are lyrics to song
Duke of Earl.
Erin could sing this to you.
-----------------------------

Gene Chandler
"Duke of Earl"

Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl
Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl
Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl

Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl
Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl
Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl
Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl

As I walk through this world
Nothing can stop the Duke of Earl
And you, you are my girl
And no one can hurt you, oh no
Yes, I'm gonna love you
Come on let me hold you darlin'
'Cause I'm the Duke of Earl

And when I hold you
You will be my Duchess, Duchess of Earl
We'll walk through my dukedom
And the paradise we will share

Yes, oh, I
I'm gonna love you
Nothing can stop me now
'Cause I'm the Duke of Earl

Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl
Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl
Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl

I'm gonna love you
Nothing can stop me now
'Cause I'm the Duke of Earl

 
At 11:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 2:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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